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[31 Jul 2007|01:17pm] |
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Summer! It's been pretty good so far, but I AM looking forward to the school year. Admittedly, I'm kind of nervous, since it'll be a brand new experience for me, but otherwise than that it's all good. I don't think Alan and I will be troubled too much, though it will be strange not to see him every day. And it's not like I'll be completely alone either, since I'll be seeing Stacey quite a bit, and I don't think she'd mind if I wanted to see her family over there as well.
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[30 Jun 2007|03:18pm] |
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There's been a lot of lazy days since school ended. It's really weird, considering that we're not going back to SHS next year. But I'm not too worried - Barnard is close enough that if I need to go back home, Stoneybrook's within driving distance for a weekend. I'm pretty secure in this decision, since it won't hinder too much on me and Alan's relationship - maybe we can even spend some of those days in New York.
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[31 May 2007|12:46pm] |
Dear Mary Anne,
Hello from four years ago. I can't believe you'll be a senior in high school - a graduating senior - the next time you read this. That sounds so mature. And it seems so far away. I guess it is far away. Four years ago you were nine, four years from now you'll be on your way to college.
If I had to pick a single most defining current event in my life right now it would be the fire. I wonder if you'll still feel that way by the time you're reading this. There have been lots of other defining events in my life and lately I have also been thinking of all the people in my life who help to define me, but if I had to choose something recent with a great impact it would be the fire. Why? Because it changed so many things. There are the obvious changes, of course. The fire destroyed every possession we owned, except for what we were wearing that night. And afterward we spent almost a year living in flux - first with Kristy and her family, then in a rented house. Finally we renovated the barn. So the fire certainly changed our living situation. Also, it made Dad and Sharon reexamine their careers.
But the fire did subtler things as well At first it gave me nightmares and a lot of fears. But then these fears somehow changed into an inner strength. (That sounds so pompous. You're probably laughing at this part. But I do think it's true.)
After awhile I didn't want people worrying and fussing over me. I wanted to be strong and independent, not reliant on others. I wanted to do things for myself, take action, take control.
And this is what led to Logan's and my breakup. Logan had been one of the most important people in my life for quite some time, but I felt he was smothering me and that I needed breathing space. I didn't think we could work our problems out. So I broke up with him. And ever since that happened I have questioned it.
Is Logan still one of the most important people in your life? He might be. I had thought, after we broke up, that he would be out of my life forever. Just recently, though, I realized that he was very much unfinished business and that I needed to talk to him. So I did. Two days ago. Until now I had kept reminding myself that Logan and I are young. That couples do not meet each other in middle school and stay together for the rest of their lives. But the truth is, occasionally they do.
So I'm awfully curious. Is Logan in your life now? If he is, what's going to happen? I know I want to go to college, and that's what Logan wants too. I doubt if we'll go to the same college though. Logan will probably go to whatever school offers him an athletic scholarship. But I want to study psychology. I'm pretty sure of that.
Oh, i wish I had a crystal ball and I could take a look at you reading this in the future, knowing the answers to some of these questions.
I feel as though I've strayed just a bit from what Mr. Kingbridge suggested we write about - especially from the subject of the people in my life and my changing family. But, well, this is what came out, and I think all of it is important.
By the way, in case you've forgotten, your thirteenth year was a tough one in lots of ways, but I think when you take a close look at it you'll see that you emerged from it stronger and definitely wiser, thanks in large part to all those other people I meant to write about - Dad, Sharon, Dawn, Granny and Pop-Pop, Grandma Baker, Kristy, Claudia, Stacey, Jessi, Mal, Abby. When things are tough, remember that, since these people or their memories will always be with you.
Love,
Mary Anne
Wow. That really is kind of mindblowing to read that. For one thing, I do remember that period of my life pretty well, especially after the fire. I can see where I was getting confused about Logan, since I was kinda all over the place in my life right then. Who knows, since I got really confused last year with my feelings for him too, but that chapter is really over. I don't hold any bad feelings for him, but I think we really are through romantically. And as for college? That's funny - up until this point I didn't remember about psychology, it must've been because of therapy. Honestly, that wouldn't be too bad as a psych teacher. What a weird letter though, it's definitely a blast from the past.
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[01 May 2007|02:08am] |
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Adele is sooooo cute. Like I told Kristy, it's one of the many pluses of being around Alan. I'm disappointed I didn't get into a couple colleges, but I thought about it, and it isn't too bad, since Stoneybrook is so close. I'm a homebody at heart, I guess.
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[30 Mar 2007|06:27am] |
Written journal time before Alan wakes up!
So we finally got to Vegas, albeit at an insanely late time. Alan and I got to stay in a tent by ourselves, which finally lead to the Big Talk.
I guess it should've come up sooner, I don't know why it hadn't before. (Probably because of overprotective, yet sweet old Dad.) It started when he wanted us to unzip both our sleeping bags so we could sleep next to each other. I knew he wasn't trying anything funny, but I wanted to make sure so he didn't think I was playing around with him. He told me I wasn't, so I believe him. He said even though he's had it before (with Claudia, which IS weird, but I don't hold anything against either of them.), that he isn't ready now. I pretty much said that we'd wait until the time was right, and I know given that his mom was a teenage mom, I'd get all the protection I needed. Sharon would be pretty cool about that, I hope. At least it's not something I have to worry about right this moment.
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[31 Jan 2007|08:40am] |
Dawn's been acting a little odd lately. Not like herself. She was always up and at 'em, now she's this weird, relaxed girl that's gone even further than just being chilled out like she was when she came here back in seventh grade. Maybe it's just a schedule change. I'll have to observe her for the next few days.
On an off-topic note, VALENTINE'S DAY IS SOON! I cannot wait to go to New York City with Alan.
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[31 Dec 2006|04:31pm] |
Christmas was good. It was really nice to have Dawn this year, because most of the time I can tell Sharon's upset when she's not here. Speaking of Dawn, I think she and Lewis have had a really good time reconnecting.
Alan invited me over to his house for New Years... he told me to bring WARM pajamas, so I can't wait to see what he's planned.
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[29 Nov 2006|11:44pm] |
Logan came over on Sunday to talk about his family issues. Apparently, his dad started acting like he did a few years ago, basically flipping out on him, Kerry, and Hunter for aboslutely no reason. I hate it. The three of them are wonderful, and he has no place in doing that. I feel so helpless, because there's nothing I can do about it. I still definitely see Logan as just a friend, period, but I'll always be there for him. We've shared a large part of our pasts, and that'll never change.
He was acting odd when I asked him about Stacey, and why he wasn't talking to her instead. I'd like to be objective about it, so I'm probably going to catch her at school and ask her what's up.
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[30 Oct 2006|11:48pm] |
Homecoming was a lot of fun, even if Alan didn't win. That didn't matter to me anyway, because he's always a winner in my eyes. (Really cheesy, huh?) But really, it was good because of the whole St. Louis thing. I know it had to be somewhat weird for him, since he doesn't know his bio-dad at all.
Oh! Stacey emailed me tonight, saying that she and Logan are dating. I flipped out horribly when Kristy and Logan started dating, but I think I was in a huge rut then too, and it felt more like they were keeping it a secret right then. In any case, I'm happy for the both of them and I can't wait for me and Alan to double date with them.
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[30 Sep 2006|12:39am] |
I'm so happy for Alan! I was worried that he wasn't going to win the election, but it all turned out to be okay. We had a celebratory dinner tonight, and he ended up calling Laine to give her and Chloe the news. It sounds like Laine's happy to be with her parents, and I'm glad. It seems to be happening to a lot of people lately, like Dawn. She's been pretty happy ever since she came back, and I think it's because she missed being around Sharon-
Whoops, Alan's texting me. I'll have to get back to this later.
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[14 Aug 2006|09:11pm] |
Again, things are quiet in Stoneybrook, since almost everyone's at Camp Mohawk. Actually, I'm lying. For a few weeks, the news of Pete and Grace sleeping together. It still baffles me. Even if he was on the rebound, there were so many better girls to pick other than her. I went to go visit him on Family Day, and he actually seemed all right for the most part. I don't know how things will be once he gets back and school starts, though.
Alan's been really great. We've done a lot of stuff together, and dinner at my house actually worked out really well. Maybe once Laine has the baby, we can have dinner at his house. I still don't know his parents all that well, but I'd love to know more about them.
In other good news, Dawn's staying here for sure this year. I'm glad she decided to do that, since I've really missed hanging out with her. It just hasn't been the same without her around. She and Alan seem to be getting along better, which is really nice. I'd love for the three of us to all be okay with each other, so that neither one of them gets angry when we're together.
And that's about it.
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[17 Jul 2006|06:59pm] |
OH MY GOD!!!
Alan asked me out!
When I got home last week, I saw a note that told me to go back to my car, and there were a ton of notes after that. Eventually, I made it to my backyard, and saw that Alan had given me a Minnie Mouse beanie baby from when he went to Disney World! The last note told me to meet him at his house, and I did. We ended up talking and kissing, and I was deliriously happy that he had actually asked me out.
Then on Saturday, we went on our very first date to Gino's. We had fun talking about the situations that led up to us dating, and Alan seems really sweet. He always does so much for me. Once the rose he gave me dries out, I'm going to flatten it in a book so that I can put it on our scrapbook page I'm making.
And then we danced to "our song" at Miller Park.
I'm in love...
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[21 Jun 2006|10:13pm] |
That went really well. I'm being sarcastic, of course. Maybe Dawn was right and Alan's not the right one for me. He IMed me not too long ago about him and Claudia breaking up again. I know he doesn't know it's a sore subject with me, but I was still really short with him. Great behavior from someone that wants to date him, huh?
I couldn't help it though. He was saying that everyone still thinks he's the joker from middle school, and that I even said that. Well, hello! It might be weird to be kissed by someone you knew as a different person way back when! Now he's holding it against me.
God! Doesn't he realize that there is at least one girl that's interested in him? Apparently not, since shy and sensitive girls aren't what he's attracted to. So this whole thing is over, and I'm a loser for having believed in anything to happen in the first place.
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[22 May 2006|11:43pm] |
Prom was really fun. Alan took me out to the Golden Dragon, which I didn't think he'd do, only because it's really expensive. It was really cute that he had a fortune cookie that said "You will have a great time at the prom." I put it in my top drawer of my desk so it wouldn't get crumpled. We made Jake totally jealous by Alan kissing me. I do have to admit that it was weird kissing Little Orphan Annie, but not that weird.
Kristy and Logan didn't show up to the prom, although they showed up separately at Erica's party. I didn't get the whole story on that though, but I'm thinking about emailing her, since I'm still definitely willing to be her friend, even through all this drama.
I really like Alan Gray.
No, erase that. I did not even think that. I like in a purely platonic way.
Really.
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[02 May 2006|10:15pm] |
California was... interesting. I found out on the first day that Kristy and Logan started dating behind my back. Yes, I know that me and Logan weren't married, and that he can do whatever he wants. But I have to admit, it really hurt me. He was completely flirting just about a month before, and no, I don't believe I am overthinking it. There was something there at that point. I flew off the handle at Kristy and accused her of turning into Cokie, which I knew wasn't right. We eventually resolved it, although I do think Abby replaced me as Kristy's best friend. I understand that, since it was my fault that happened in the first place.
Stoneybrook is pretty lonely. Kristy's always with Abby, Stacey's in drama with Sam and Laine... mainly everyone is busy. I should catch Claudia and/or Emily at school though and ask if they want to do anything.
I really miss Dawn and Sunny. I've felt like I grew a lot closer to them, and I wish they were here.
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[22 Mar 2006|04:27pm] |
I'm getting pretty excited - we're going to California! By we, I mean the BSC girls plus a few extras. Dawn invited us to come there for spring break and go to Disneyland among other things. Me, Kristy, and Abby are going to check out UCLA, since that's the college the three of us are interested in. I'm really excited, since I want to see how Dawn's little siblings are doing, especially the babies. I've seen Gracie at lest once or twice, but I've only seen Will and Savannah in pictures.
I don't know where things are going with Logan. We haven't talked in a while, and then he's going in Cary's van to get to California. Kristy's going in the van too, which seems a little odd. She doesn't really like to rough it on road trips, but she IS with Abby. They've seemed to grow to be better friends, which I know is my fault for not connecting with her too often. I feel bad about it, but I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. I'm going to try and work on it, and not focus on the bad things as much. I'll just keep thinking of seeing Dawn and being in California during spring. Dawn's said it's cold right now, so I'll have to make sure and pack a few sweatshirts.
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[20 Feb 2006|10:06pm] |
My Valentine's day wasn't out of the ordinary. Logan didn't even show up to Claudia's sleepover, so I didn't expect him to even call during Valentine's Day. I'm getting really confused, since he sends vibes sometimes, and then he stops cold. I don't get it. Sunny told me about Dawn's date, which made me laugh. Having someone that much different from her must freak her out a little.
SAT preps are coimng up soon, and I don't know whether I'll be able to make it or not. I hope so, because I'd love to go to UCLA with Kristy and Dawn.
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[11 Jan 2006|10:09am] |
Yesterday was Logan's birthday, so I decided to get a little gift for him, even if we don't talk that much anymore. I bought him a book about the history of sports in Stoneybrook, since that's a casual enough present, and it doesn't have any implications that I like him or not. I gave it to him when I passed by him leaving school yesterday, and I think he liked it. We didn't talk that much, but what can you expect? We don't stay in contact anymore.
The house is really quiet without Dawn and Jeff, and it's a little unsettling to Mary Anne, the hermit. I still haven't been able to talk to Kristy too much yet, and I hope she's not holding that against me.
The winter always depresses me a little, so I'm just hanging back right now. I know times will get better soon.
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[04 Jan 2006|09:05pm] |
It's been a long time since I've journaled at all. After I saw that Mallory got a journal from Jessi, I realized that this still is a good way to pour out my feelings. A few days ago, I saw Jake talking with a couple of the SHS cheerleaders, and it really hurt me. I thought I was pretty much over him, and I think I am, but sometimes stuff like that is still hard to watch.
But thinking about Logan is even worse. I mean, our relationship wasn't too normal three years ago, but now that we've been more experienced in relationships with others, maybe we could try again? I talked to Dawn about it, and she said it's worth a shot. If only I could gather enough courage to talk to him at school...
Through all this boy-worrying, I've been kinda bad towards Kristy. I've been so focused on myself that I forgot about her. My New Years' resolution will be to be a better friend, and I'll try my hardest to do that when she gets back from vacation.
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mary__anne's journal